America Needs Cumin

It's a mild January day as I write this. South Texas is coming off of a bitterly cold winter, although not the grandma-killing, pet-freezing kind we had last year. Still, it makes me want to slash a weatherman's tires. Not that the weatherman had anything to do with it, but someone's got to pay.

Texans thrive on blistering, brain-melting weather. I think that's why we vote the way we do. With a few exceptions, Texas is a red state. If you believe what you read, Texans love prisons, Wal-Marts and Shiner Bock, and hate immigrants, poetry, and any beer that is consumed ironically. We also claim to hate the rich, unless they're wearing jeans. Rush Limbaugh's show does well here, as would his drug habit if he'd only give us a chance. Ted Nugent lives - and his four-legged neighbors die - here. All in all, pretty red.

The exceptions are counties like mine. If you get in your spaceship and fly over Texas during an election, you'll notice that Bexar County is a cool blue, while surrounding areas are a terrifying, rage-induced red. (You could also figure this out by looking at an electoral map.) It's kind of like a rash with one tiny, uninfected spot. It's kind of like the one grown-up ride at the kiddie park. It's kind of like the racists and homophobes left the rest of us with our ice cream trucks and lower property taxes. (I had to research that joke. Thankfully, I know an ice cream vendor.)

I guess what I'm saying is, keep getting laid, Bexar County. It scares the squares.

Now, before you get all butt-hurt by this city-boy rambling, keep in mind that not everyone who leaves is a racist. Some people just really like dirt, and want to be surrounded by miles and miles of it. Some people prefer dry grass to gang graffiti. It's the reason I lived in Alpine for a year. (That and the horrible male-to-female ratio at Sul Ross State. I like a challenge.)

I guess what I'm also saying is that Tex-Mex food makes you smarter, and no one does Tex-Mex like San Antonio. In fact, no one else really does Tex-Mex at all. Maybe they think they do, but they're more wrong than American cheese on a crispy taco. I know that correlation is not causation, but I've noticed that in areas where you can't get good enchiladas, people tend to vote against their interests. The number two plate at Don Pedro won't turn you into Stephen Hawking overnight. But over time...

Austin's liberal, too, although I doubt it has anything to do with their food. Unless you count that one pizza place where they make the pie, but you take it home and cook it yourself. That's some working class shit right there. It's not quite up there with owning the means of production, but it will do for now.

Yeah, many San Antonians are fat. And sometimes our restaurants get low health ratings, and every time I roll a tear like someone littered. It's okay. At least we're not sitting around the dinner table saying, "May-un, that Rick Pay-urry's doin' a fine ol' job. Pass me that sour cream and olive boon-way-low." Or whatever they're eating in Dallas.